I was away for a rare night out with friends and due to the flooding around London we ended up spending hours hanging around train stations waiting for trains that didn’t come. The gig was great but it was too busy to get a drink and put our coats away… Not the best night on paper.
Next morning and I’m in a hotel room needing to wake my best friend, my husbands coming to pick me up to go onto our next social engagement and my other friend has a change of plan for lunch.
With crazy busy work and the adoption process really kicking in, this social busy-ness tipped me over the edge. I lay there feeling angry and tired. Being honest with myself I had been feeling like this for about two weeks mainly before I went to work.
Feels like I’m pouring all my energy into everything then by the time I see my husband I’m shattered and I’m taking it out on him. I just didn’t know how to stop this feeling. I can’t keep doing this as our relationship will suffer.
Half hour later I wake my friend (it is 10.30 after all) and we get dressed and go down to breakfast. When we come back up I burst into tears and tell her that I feel so angry and upset. I can’t carry on this facade.
As an amazing best friend does, she listened and we talked through stuff on my mind.
She asked me ‘am I really up for adoption?’ Whoa, what a question. I was baring my soul so I had to look at it.
I said or practically shouted,
Before we went down the route of adoption after three years of not getting pregnant and a round of IVF I was finding myself distraught at the tidal wave of baby news around me – I think there’s even a mini baby boom…that we’re just not part of. I was becoming someone I never thought I would be. The prospect of not having a family would eat me up. If I had to choose between travelling the world and having a family the latter would win every time. This wasn’t always the way.
The prospect of adoption brings hope to our amazing relationship full of love and our house that’s big enough to share. Since reading about the children who are needing parents I also want to do this as we can help.
What’s tough is that we can’t celebrate the prospect of having children, we have to give six references, disclose our life story have strangers assess and visit our house to say we’re good enough. That doesn’t happen when you’re pregnant and it pisses me off. It’s hard.
It was hard to have this conversation (and this is the short version) but it had to happen.
Now a week later I feel so much better I just feel I had a big weight on my shoulders and I needed to share it.
You’re going through a lot, my friend said, don’t be too hard on yourself.
I love my best friend. She’s my support network times 10 x