Lying in bed on a Sunday morning waiting for DH to wake up so thought I’d pen some recent thinking in the Treemendous household.
DH has been working every day and away in Scotland since we got the amazing news that we were going through to stage 2. Whilst he has had to temporarily park his feelings, I’ve been visiting family and talking to close friends about our reality. Despite the questions ‘are you sure this is what you want?’ Which have been said with love but quite frankly upset me. It’s been a journey of resolution for me – I can’t flippin wait!
He’s come home to a relaxing weekend where he’s feeling like he needs to catch up with me. He said ‘you’re talking really positively about this, like it’s all actually happening and I’m struggling’. ‘Well it is’ I say, slightly less harsh than it sounds.
I decide that we can talk and talk, which we do ALOT, but we just need to dive in.
We walk around Ikea and I’m so excited about going into the children’s section. For years I liken this to the ghost train at a fair ground, I get in then can’t wait to get the hell out.
We spot the machine to get our temporary family card (that our pre-adoptive friends told us about) As I type in our fake family details .. Yes two children one born 2010, the other 2012 (being cautious about the third) DH says you’re doing this so naturally? I respond You’ve got to fake it to make it.
We do the ‘normal for everyone’ sections then arrive at the exclusive children’s section. I can’t tell you how excited I am. I’m almost in the club, I can enter the place of dreams without the looks of sadness from others.
I start to feel my inner child coming back. The one who says let’s build a den, I’d like to sleep with a circus tent hood over my bed…
DH on the other hand is struggling to get his head around it. When we walk into the baby/crib section I start to see pain in his face.
I ask him what’s wrong? And he replies
I’ve pushed this desire to have children away for so long as I thought it would never happen and now I’m struggling to get my head around it.
This makes me feel very sad that he’s having to deal with this. I know he’ll be ok but it pains me to see him not as happy as me.
I know it’s just a matter of time before he’s ok. I mean we could be a family of four or five in as little as six months.
We push on through and end up spending a shed load on normal Ikea wonderment that we didn’t go in for.
Today I’ll leave him alone with Big steps for small people, this will help remind him what our house will be like (in my dreams).
This journey is emotional, there’s no doubt. It’s tough going through it whilst working full time too. Ho hum here’s another example of the resilience required.